Tara Chandran on Bisexuality, Eldest Daughter Energy, and Finding the Queer Room

Episode 7 of Under the Brown Rainbow welcomes Tara Chandran – a Malaysian-born bisexual woman now living openly in Sydney with her wife and three cats. Her pronouns are she/her.

In this conversation with host Kashif Harrison, Tara opens up about moving to Sydney at 15 from Malaysia (where queerness is still illegal) and the seven years she spent in the closet – not because her family wouldn't accept her, but because being the eldest daughter in a South Asian family meant being a stickler for the rules and never wanting to rock the boat. She shares the moment she walked into the Queer Room on her uni campus, surrounded by rainbows, and felt "I'm home" before she'd even come out to herself.

We also talk about why bisexuality still gets a third or fourth hand in queer conversations; the misconceptions she's still pushing back against (no, it isn't a stepping stone); what changed when her dad asked, "What is this nonsense?"; and her advice for anyone watching from a country where coming out isn't safe – that choosing yourself isn't selfish and the peace on the other side is unmatched.

Under the Brown Rainbow is hosted by Kashif Harrison and produced by Kunal Mirchandani. Presented by Trikone Australia.

Transcript

0:09

Today on the show, I have someone that I feel the story is going to be a bit more bubbly. It's going to be fun, but it's also going to be super queer because clearly you are watching a queer podcast. Come on. But before going ahead, I do want to let you know that this podcast is proudly presented by Trikone Australia, so don't forget to give us a follow! Follow our Instagram account, follow us on socials, follow the podcast on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcast from. So now let's welcome our next guest, Tara Chandran. Oh my God. Okay, I need to get this right. Malaysian born bisexual woman. I've never said that out loud. You're an eldest daughter now, living openly with your wife and kids. I'm not going to say what what their What species. What species they are, but I'm just gonna say You are with kids. Tara, welcome to Under the Brown Rainbow. Thank you so much. So excited to be here. Yes. And spill some chai. It's so lovely to see. Can I just say that as as South Asian queer man, I just love when South Asian queer women come out and talk, you know, because we need those voices. You know, I see all those women empowerment speeches going on. I see women gathering for the men. But when I see South Asian queer people out there, there's less women out there, I feel, and I just want more of them. Not that I want every girl to be lesbian. I do. Oh, okay. Oh, just. Yeah, yeah. We're a rare breed. You are Malaysian born. How long has it been that you've been in Australia? Oh my goodness, this Jan, it's been 16 years. 16 years? Like half my life. Wow! I know. So, let's talk about that, okay? So 16 years, when you first came to Australia, were you out or were you in? I think. I definitely was not out. Okay. I didn't even realize I was bi until, like, I was maybe like 19, 20. So for the longest time, I knew I was attracted to guys, but I didn't realize I was attracted to girls. I just found them really beautiful, and I thought it was normal to just stare at pretty girls. Yes. It wasn't until, like I was in uni when people were like, Tara, that's that's kind of fruity. And I was like, what do you mean? Girls are so hot? And they're like, yeah, but like, we don't want to stare at them all day. And that's when it clicked. I was like, I'm not straight. And disclaimer for every millennial watching this podcast, fruity means gay. Do people not say that anymore? People? Well, people do say that, okay. But people who are like turning 40, 50, they still think fruity means like fruit. So talk us through your story. So you had a hunch that Okay, fine. There's something, you know, there. Queer. Did you feel like you had to talk it out with your family back then to say that Okay, fine. You know, I'm queer. I might be into women and men. what was that conversation like? It took me a long time before I could have that conversation with my family. So I actually only came out at 26. Okay, so I spent what? That's what, like almost seven plus years in the closet. So I realized I was bisexual when I was 19. But I've never been the type of person who's been able to keep things from their family. So because that wasn't something I felt comfortable sharing with, I just I kept it to myself. I tried to squash it down and I tried to forget about it. I tried really hard. like my parents are really progressive. They're really open minded, and I knew that they would be okay with it. I think being the eldest daughter and having been raised in Asia, just wanted to follow the rules, stickler for the rules. And I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want to upset anyone. And I knew that as understanding and as open as they are. That would be introducing a whole new set of challenges into my life that I didn't want to do that to them. Yeah. So talk me through the Malaysian community. are they more progressive? Do they are they open to these things? You know, just someone saying that, hey, I'm queer, but also saying that I may be into men and women both. Not in the slightest. So Malaysia is a muslim country. Yeah. Yeah, they're very much ruled by Islam. And my family, we’re not Muslim. But religion. And like conservative Asian culture really influences people's perceptions of queerness. It's still illegal there. Okay. I actually haven't been back to Malaysia in a really long time. I know that Malaysia as a country has made progress, but. You know something that's so near and dear to my heart. one of the biggest parts of me. I can't hide it. I can't deny it, knowing that it's illegal. The place I call my home. Yeah. you came out to your family when you were 26. Why did you think you did that? I mean, talk me through the identity and visibility part of it. Why did you have to have this conversation with your family? Well, for the longest time, I only dated men, and I was in a relationship with a man for almost five years. And that ended when I was 26. And I couldn't deny my sexuality anymore. And I thought, okay, I'll see how this goes. Maybe I'll still end up with a man, I don't know. But then I realized I didn't want to restrict myself that way. By then, I had moved out of home. I'd been living out of home for a few years, and I felt comfortable enough in my own skin. And I thought, you know what? No matter what happens with my family, I can still leave. like, I don't have to, like, be with my parents and to witness, like their full reaction. And I was really grateful because it was a bit of a shock to them. But I didn't have to, like, deal with any of that. That’s what you like. Stay away from the drama. Exactly. And I don't like to keep things. I can't, I can't do that. I think it's a bit of a a flaw of mine that I'm – I'm almost too honest. it's not something I'm ashamed of. I love this about myself. And. That's your whole truth. Yeah. Part of me knew that they would be okay with it eventually, which they are. I just didn't want to hide it and I didn't I didn't feel like I needed to. What do you think has changed within the queer community in Australia from when you came to, you know, back in 2010. Gay marriage is legal. Oh my God, yeah, that was really big. I remember voting yes in the plebiscite. And I remember thinking, I don't know why this means so much to me, but it really does. I thought I was just a really strong ally. Little did I know, I was putting yes for my own marriage. So that's changed. And now there's so many more queer POCs. Like before this, queerness was like a privilege reserved only for white people. That's how I perceived it anyway. And now queerness is so culturally diverse and I really love that. When did you first feel that I can breathe here? I remember the first time I felt like I could, I could breathe freely. It was in uni. So I went to Western Sydney Uni. I was at the Campbelltown campus. High school was really rough. I did the last three years of high school here And kids thought I was the biggest weirdo. But then by the time I got to uni, because uni is so much bigger and so many more different types of people, I wasn't the odd one out anymore. I was, you know, I was just another person and I was interesting and all of my differences were celebrated. But I really felt like I could breathe when I found the Queer Room on campus. It's literally just called the Queer Room. Wow. Yeah. And it was really funny because we all had student cards, right? And my friends, all you had to, like, tap to get into the queer room and no one else's cards worked except for mine. It’s really strange and I didn't know. So like, I tapped and I was like, oh my God, I can get in. And I went inside and it was this, this little room, and there were just rainbows everywhere. And mind you, I, I wasn't even out to myself. I didn't realise, but I walked into this little room full of rainbows and I was like, what? The rainbow found you? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And I just felt so, like, nurtured and cradled by this, this little gay room. And I didn't know anything about myself. I just looked around and it was just gay, gay, gay everywhere. And I was like, It was the strangest feeling. And it's really, really cheesy. But now when I reflect, I realise that was the first time I ever felt like, oh my God, I'm home. Aww. Yeah. Aww. Yeah. That's really nice. Yeah. Tara, can I ask, That, you know, we would talk about lesbians, we talk about gays. And I know that for some reason, bisexuality gets a third or a fourth hand in all of the debates and conversations, Do you think there needs to be more open conversations about bisexuality? Yeah, absolutely. I think there needs to be more conversations with less prejudice about bisexuality, because there's this misconception that bisexuality is a stepping stone to being, like, fully homosexual. It's like, oh, you're halfway gay or you're half gay, half straight. And that's, it's just not true. And I understand that a lot of people are almost like, forced to come out as bisexual first, you know, before they feel comfortable enough to come out as, as gay. And, you know, it's not their fault. I think it's because there's so much homophobia in society still. So people are like trying desperately to cling on to like whatever shreds of heterosexuality they have because of this, this ‘comphet’ mindset that, you know, that still prevails and that gives bisexuals a really bad name. And there's also this misconception that bisexuals are promiscuous or that we're greedy just because we like both. We like more than one gender. And, you know, promiscuity and polyamory, they exist in every sexuality. So I really don't understand why bisexuals get such a bad rep for this. I like to think people are just jealous because, you know, it's like I could kind of have whoever I wanted, But yeah, I would really love to start taking some of that prejudice out of the conversations, even within the queer community, especially within the queer community, because at least like, on the outside, people have the excuse of ignorance and it's like, okay, you need to educate yourself, But within the queer community, I expect a little bit more from my LGBT fam. I mean, LGB is lesbians, gays, and bisexuals. Yeah. True. It's so interesting. Right. You can say bisexual and people still understand you or get accepted. But then when you say gay or lesbian then people like whoa, what? Even when I was like first exploring my sexuality, I thought I was bisexual because I liked Madhuri Dixit, Sridevi. I loved Chandni. I would watch that again and again on repeat. My mom would be like, that's the girl you want to marry? I was like, yes! Little did I know, I was just getting gay. See you, eldest daughter of the family. Yeah. So many expectations, right? Yeah. It's like. And if I'm being very honest, I think because a Malaysian community is also, you know, falls under the South Asian part, which means you have the same values as well, like Indian, Pakistani, or any other community would be. And when you had this conversation that, hey, listen, I'm actually going to marry a girl. Whoa. Yeah. Talk us through that conversation. Oh, by the time I was getting married, I had already been out for a few years, and my parents had met my now wife. So they were more or less okay with it, but I think my dad thought it was more of a phase, because Kelly and I, we were living together by then. And I remember one day he said to me, he's like, Tara, what is this nonsense? And I was like, what nonsense? This is my life. This is my life partner. So, you know, that was that was really hurtful. But I was lucky enough that I was able to, you know, take some distance from my family. I think as daughters especially, we feel this immense pressure to, to like, be the carers. And there's this like unspoken thing with my family that I'm kind of like the main carer and I take care of everyone's emotional needs and everything like that, and kind of like the family therapist, whether I want to be or not, I just am. So I had to kind of shed those external expectations and just put myself first, because now it wasn't just – I didn't just have to think of myself, I also had to think of this new family that was forming. And, you know, I thought to myself, I would do anything for my little family. I want to I want to protect my little family. It was just the two of us. But taking that distance was really important. It also helped my parents. It gave them time to get used to me being clear and being with a woman. they never liked any of the guys I dated anyways. Like, none of the boys ever even came close to to what my parents wanted for me. But Kelly, she's also the eldest daughter from an Asian family, and she's also a Virgo. We’re both Virgos. Wow. Yeah. So like, you know, we're both like Type A, go-getter, perfectionist type people. And they just saw how well our personalities match. And I think they kind of understood that the type of life that they wanted me to have, I was going to have that with Kelly. And then came the kids. You know, which are, by the way – Cats. Cats. All I feel is like gay families have their pets as kids and then come kids. Have you thought about kids? Absolutely. Wow. Yeah. Of course. Okay. Just out of curiosity, would you like a girl or a boy? You mean, like, gay son or thot daughter? No, no. That person can be anyone, because usually I think gay men love daughters. I love a daughter. I would love to have a daughter. Because then you can, like, dress her up as a little – I can play with her. Frozen. Do the tutus. You can do that with the boy as well. Yeah.... No. Not really. Okay, okay. He has to be like manly. No, not even manly. But it's just like, I feel, No, genuinely. I just feel like boys are cheeky. I'm teasing. Boys are cheeky. My nephew, he's cheeky, but I love him. But he's a very cheeky boy. Aww. My son, which is Otto, which is a dog, by the way. Cheeky. Very cheeky. Can't deal with men. I feel like I can only deal with men as a partner. Really? That’s interesting. Which is very. Yeah. So what about you? It doesn't really matter to me. Like if I have a little girl, I would raise her to be, strong female, raise her without fear. I was raised with a lot of fear. I would never do that to a little girl if I had one. And if I have a little boy, teach him to respect the women around him. So, like, either way, you know, it's a win-win situation. The bigger question, the more challenging question is the donor situation. Oh definitely. That was I was going to say how can we afford? Actually, there's a lot of Medicare-funded fertility clinics for queer couples. There you go. You did bring some piece of information. I love that. So you are thinking, then? In future. Yeah, but not the distant future because we've hit our 30s, like. Yeah. Okay. Yes. That's it. That's life, hey? Yeah. But when you were thinking of, you know, your life as a queer person, did you have any inspirational figures who were bisexual women living together? You know, any icons that you were like, hey, listen, I mean, they're doing it or any anyone that may have inspired you to make this life of yours. I mean, Sridevi and Madhuri are not bisexual. That you know of. Whoa. No, I didn't. There's queer icons whom I look up to, but no one really who kind of set the example for me that made me think, oh, I could have that. And I think that's why I kept like shoving myself back into the closet for so long. Like, there's certainly weren't queer people of color that I could look up to. I mean, I knew they existed, but it was so taboo. And for the people it wasn't taboo, they're all white people. I don't have that sort of white privilege and I don't want it. I love all of my identities equally. I hope, you know, someone out there sees me and they're like, “Oh!” I was going to say that. Now you're the icon and, you know, it's big. It's big. This responsibility of coming out talking your story about your sexuality, your journey is very important because one day you will be on a Zoom call or you will be on a, on a, you know, invited to a talk where you will be talking and someone will say, hey, listen, Growing up, I didn't see any person of color talking about bisexuality. And here you are. It will happen, of course. And that's my question as well, that, let's say someone who is queer, who is going through that journey right now, they are in Malaysia and they are watching us. What would you tell them? A piece of advice, a resource that you can share. Look, safety comes first. If I was still in Malaysia, I don't know if I would be out. I know there are queer people out there. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that. So safety comes first. And, you know, if you try to make the rest of the world happy, you can't. Expectations will keep changing and keep rising. You're not selfish for wanting to choose yourself. It's really hard, I get it. It is so hard. Once you get over like that initial hump, the peace and happiness that follows is unmatched. And I know that people are really scared to search for happiness when they've never really felt it before. There's so many what ifs. But you know, if you keep choosing yourself you stay true to you. It will happen. You will get there. Tara, thank you so much for joining us Under the Brown Rainbow. I absolutely loved talking to you. And I think I can talk to you for on and on and on. A lot of things. And also give you more information about Madhuri Dixit. I need to educate myself. Girl doesn't know who Madhuri Dixit is. No! I'm sorry. I'm gonna look her up after this, I promise. But thank you so much. For coming and sharing your story, Tara. Lovely having you. Thank you so much. And there you go. This was me, Kashif Harrison, signing off from Under the Brown Rainbow Another episode. I hope that you enjoyed this conversation. If you did, don't forget to give us a follow on our socials. Subscribe to our YouTube channel if you're watching it on YouTube. Make sure you follow on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast from.